I haven’t done many great feats in my life. I have no kids, no real awards to speak of and nothing but Ernie-isms are named after me. Today, however, that’s all in the past. Today I did something that I’m going to be proud of for years. Today, I blocked a government vehicle from cutting me off!

Here’s what happened: I was trying to get on the freeway like everyone leaving the area I work at 5PM, waiting in a long line of cars that was barely moving fast enough to clear an intersection. I was in the far right lane since my car has no power and I don’t like to pull too crazy a move at that hour. There were a few vehicles that put on their turn signal and waited in the lane next to me, holding up traffic, that I let in. The closer we all got to the freeway, the crazier these people became. Having a small car with a short stopping distance, I stayed fairly close to the cars in front of me. All of a sudden, while my lane is stopped, a white van pulls up almost next to me and just leans into my lane. Since we were not moving the van couldn’t lean far, but since it was holding up traffic in its’ own lane, the car wanted to show it’s intent. I moved forward. The van moved forward, that’s when I noticed the eagle on the side of the van with the words “HOMELAND SECURITY” written on the side.

Quickly, I evaluated my choices. I could A) Block the van, get pulled over and arrested for obstructing an officer in the line of his duty. B) Block the van, get questioned and say he was making an illegal lane change which would be very clear to the witnesses behind me, especially since the van didn’t have a signal light on. C) Let the van in. I blocked the van, awaiting my fate. The van upped the ante by turning on the red and blues. Now I really thought I was in trouble. Then, seeing that traffic wasn’t moving and I was being a dick, the van jumped back into its’ own lane, cut off a car two ahead of me and sped off. I had a quick moment where I was scared when I turned the corner and the van was next to a police car and a car that had been pulled over. However, when the van noticed the cop car, the lights stopped flashing for a false alarm and the van continued toward the freeway.

I may have to pay taxes, I may have to obey the laws, I may have to get pulled over driving a shitty car in a nice neighborhood (not my own) but I’ll be damned if you cut MY car off for no good fucking reason Uncle Sam! Not this citizen! Not today!!!!

I am the first guy to admit he has a crappy car…well, carS really. My Camaro is nice and beefy with pieces falling off and rusting out. My CRX is made to be a daily driver because it has no pick up, everything’s falling off and it overheats way too easily. Nevertheless, there is at least SOME pride in my cars, and nothing gives you pride in what you have, as seeing someone who has it worse.

Taco Bell is probably the fastest fast food chain out there. I mean I could probably leave my car in neutral and go through the drive-thru in the time it takes somebody to go inside, order, pay and get their food. I was at a Taco Bell recently when a man had a car that was so crappy, not only was it billowing out smoke, he had to turn it off to keep it cool.

Come on man, really!? He had to turn off his car to keep it cool. Now I’ve had to pull over to cool my car down so I can somewhat relate to this man. The problem I really have is this guy decided to use the drive-thru during the day instead of parking his car and getting food. Now I can’t speculate on what he got or who he shared it with, but he was the only one in the car, he only got one giant sized soda and two bags worth of food totaling somewhere about $15. That’s crazy money at a Taco Bell.

So to the man in a ’79 green Mercury, here’s hoping you’re slowly getting your shit together, and you didn’t pay for that meal with an EBT card.

Tell us what you think about this. For it? Against it? Does it matter if you’re a guy or girl looking at it? #EJTalkback and let us know.

When I was younger it seemed like St. Patrick’s Day was only an important holiday in the worst way. It was the day it was socially acceptable to hurt somebody. You walked around trying desperately to find someone without any green on just so you could hear them squeal. You would also find any way to defend yourself saying things like, “My underwear is green!!” Then you either had to have people trust you, show some proof or get pinched regardless of how valid your claim was. This was a simpler time and for some reason we look back on it with fondness.

Once you got older it was just another holiday that barely had a theme. A meaningless holiday that meant girls would coordinate their outfits and I guess you’d kinda try too. Hell, if a girl’s gonna give you a free sticker to wear all day why not? Especially if she was cute. There were a few decorations and occasionally someone took it too far with all out Irish gear when you had no idea of their heritage the rest of the year. It’s not that it matters to you, but if someone thinks shamrock shakes taste different, who are you to argue?

Then you get a little older than that and St. Patrick’s Day, is the best fucking day ever!!! Everyone’s going out drinking! Jameson, Baileys, Scotch…well maybe not scotch, but Irish Car bombs etc. What can make this better? It’s cold out but girls will still dress in the tightest, shortest, possibly sluttiest outfit they own that’s predominately green. What’s the green color frosting that makes that better you ask? They’re drunk and easy! It’s not like Halloween where you stare at a girl’s tits that are spilling out of her dress and get in trouble because, “You should have realized my BOYFRIEND was dressed as my PIMP!! Hello!!!” Nay, on St. Patty’s Day the girls who won’t sleep with you dress warmly and the girls that will are putting it on display. They’ll probably put them on the glass if you ask nicely. The only problem? Hangovers and work the next day, but if you’re a responsible adult you pack a condom and request a vacation day. it’s really the prime time for celebrating this holiday most people can’t remember the origin to. Valentine’s Day may be made up by Hallmark, but St. Patty’s day brought to you by Irish Car Bombs.

My toes are ugly. I never really thought this to be too much of an issue. Sure, I’m diabetic and my extremities are the first to go, especially my feet, when it comes to amputation, but still. I tried for a long time to keep them trim, but as I got older and fatter it became more and more difficult to reach. Now they’re all discolored and gross. I should probably see a doctor about them instead of just trying to fix it myself.

I learned on some website long ago that if you cover your toes with Vicks they will heal. No, I don’t just think this because I’m Mexican, I really did hear it somewhere. The theory is that either the eucalyptus heals or the petroleum jelly cuts off the air supply. Either way I’m telling you, it works! I did it for a while and I was able to get my toes to a decent condition. I just wanted them healed enough to where I wouldn’t get embarrassed when I went to get a pedicure.

There’s a stigma that’s hard to overcome with pedicures and manicures that it’s feminine. I don’t get my nails painted or my legs waxed, though there’s nothing wrong with that, I just get a cut. It’s like going to a barber shop instead I don’t give ANY instructions. It feels great afterward too if you go to a place that massages your feet too or clears up any calluses. Once I started getting my nails done every other week, they started looking healthy AND the pain I had from an ingrown toenail was gone. Then, I stopped making the time.

I got a girlfriend and it’s not her fault, but I was spending all my time with her instead of choosing to either take some time out to get this done (like a hair cut) or take her with me (like I should have done really). Though, it’s like I said, there’ s a stigma to getting your nails done. Really the person it benefits the most though? HER! I realized the other day while trying to get them back to their faded glory that I cannot have sex with my girlfriend in reverse cowgirl. I basically have two options; 1) Wear socks while we have sex and no one wants that. I’m not a fan, but for some girls it’s a hell NO. 2) Have my gross toes in her line of sight when she’s riding the bull. I can’t do that to her. Hell, I can’t do that to ME! It’s too embarrassing. So for now, we’ll stick to more traditional positions and I’ll be puttin on the Vicks, for her, and for me.