Honesty Is MY Policy, but…

Despite how easy I make it look there is SOME art to what I do. I’m talking specifically about my honesty. I am too honest with a lot of people but fortunately for me, I don’t care. I don’t want to sound like one of those after-school specials we all watched where Cory tells Topanga the truth and everything works out for them. Sometimes you have to know who you can tell the truth to. The best truths are the ones where people get bruised but not cut. If you, for example, tell your girlfriend you love her cooking just to make her feel better, then guess who’s eating burnt brisket for life? However, most guys are trained by society to tell her she does everything perfectly to avoid a fight. So you can suffer through more meals with her, “Since you liked the last one SO much!” You can tell her the truth, the way we’re all taught with a few years of wisdom to do it where it’s more of a half truth, “Honey, I love that you TRY, we should sign up for a cooking class together.” Or you can try the dangerous waters I live in of being blunt, “Not your best effort darling, but it’s alright, it’s not like I need my woman to have dinner on the table every night.”

The most important thing to remember when being Blunt Like Me (If you get that joke #EJTalkBack for 10pts) is to ALWAYS be blunt. You can’t be blunt some of the time and worry about feelings the other times. It’s like fire, if you never get near it, touching it for a second can burn; but if you’re subjected to it in small doses over and over again, eventually you can do that trick where you don’t use tongs to turn the meat on the grill. Another important tip is you have to be blunt with EVERYONE. It’s just easier this way. Now of course things like the work and your parents will have different circumstances, but if you’re blunt with your friends and your significant other, everyone understands what you expect of them. The only way to get away with saying these kinds of things to your significant other and NOT your friends is to tell that one special someone, “I’m glad I can be completely honest with YOU.” I do not advise this route as 1) Your friends could probably use a few truthful words and 2) You look horrible to your better half if they realize you are basically just talking shit to only them.

Being honest has a whole lot of benefits. I have a girlfriend who knows who I am and even my possibly bad behavior has become acceptable because it’s in the introductory packet. I also have friends who constantly go to me for advice, they know I won’t tell them what they want to hear just because they want to hear it. It actually makes the compliments all the more meaningful because they know it’s genuine. Lastly, strangers. You may be thinking, “Why would YOU care about what people who don’t know you think?” Well it’s because though most of their opinions (how good a person you are, how intelligent you are, how wealthy you are) are not important, whether or not to fear/respect someone is an important thing people gauge in the first few seconds of meeting you. If your first encounter with them is you loudly saying excuse me to get you out of the way, they’ll know not to interact with you.

Being honest is great, but be aware: there are some drawbacks. If you, let’s say…are honest to fault with one of your friends while they’re with someone new, someone who isn’t “used to you” yet, you come off looking like a dick. Also, if your mate is telling stories about you, you come off looking like a dick. Lastly, if you say, “EXCUSE ME!” really loud to someone who doesn’t realize they’re blocking a grocery isle with their shopping kart, you…you get the idea. You have to be prepared to not be liked by everyone. You will get things your way all the time, but usually only from the people who choose to stay around you. I’ve made my decision to look like a dick. I can safely say that there are people who I’ve met who could have been good to have around , but I decided not putting up with them was worth more than they could give me. Now you know, and you can make the decision. Oh and if you think I’m a dick but read this whole article, seek psychiatric help, dick.

A “How To” Guide To Going To the Movies

So it’s award season! And as per usual the most important awards are left for last! That’s right, I’m talking about the Razzies. The awards for the worst movies of the year. Every year there are bad movies, but if you look at years past the Razzies went out to smaller movies with no advertising that everyone knew were crap. Lately, it seems that the awards are going to movies that I heard about for 4 months out of the year and had people constantly asking me, “You’re NOT going to see (insert terrible movie here)!?” Even worse is when it’s accompanied by an actor/actress I once liked and trusted to pick good roles, “But you LOVE Adam Sandler movies!” Thank God for the most part we can still trust the previews to tell us what’s good and what’s bad. Well…some of us can. So for the rest of you out there who still seem to be watching crappy movies, here are just a few simple rules to follow so you too can avoid wasting $13 it costs to see a movie these day:

1) DO NOT TRUST ANYTHING RELEASED IN JANUARY OR FEBRUARY!
Here’s the thing. The seasons of movies can be broken down into a few categories. There’s the Jan-Feb releases which will never be good enough to get an award. Why are there both a Stallone movie AND a Schwarzenegger movie in the same time frame? Because neither of them are up for awards. Now there is another time of year where a movie that is released is not likely to receive an award.

2) Summer is for movies, not films
That’s the Summer Block Buster time. May through about August are the times where all the big budget, possibly good, but more likely flashy movies come out. These generally won’t be the most well written, though movies like Inception come to mind, they will however be entertaining. If you see a Fast and the Furious sequel/prequel/offshoot coming out in a month that’s not in this time period, hit that NOZ and peel out of that theatre. This time of year is meant mostly for people wondering, “How many times can we change the camera angle in the middle of a close up fight scene when we have 14Mil to spend on it?”

3) And the Nominees are:
After Summer is over the movie companies feel that you don’t have as much time or disposable income to spend on movies, so they want to put out movies they think are intelligent and provocative in the hopes that someone will jack them off. They want that little golden statue or even nomination that says, “Well yeah I’m a (insert movie job here), but I’m more like Spielberg than McG. I honestly wish they gave out awards for “The closest to hit their target.” If you set out to make a crazy movie that everyone in the art community loves because they can’t talk shit about a movie where a soldier contracts aids from a secretly gay Muslim man who saves him from an IED that would have killed him because the government didn’t supply him with the right equipment (I need to copyright this) and you actually made that movie well, then yeah, get an award. And if you set out to make Fast and The Furious 13 Drifting through space and your target audience loved it, good on ya. More often than not though, the Soldier will get the award in this category.

4) The rest
The rest of the year is spent spitting out movies the studio has no hope for. You may find some gems here like Looper or Forgetting Sarah Marshall. The idea you should have here is, “There’s a reason the studio has no faith in this. However, Studios on average are stupid.” So watch at your own risk. The last, and possibly most important red flag in this tirade I’m going on because of movies is; If there was a delay, Stay the fuck away. Chant this mantra to yourself every time you were dying to see a movie that got held back because they want to put it into 3D (Clash of the Titians) or because it couldn’t compete with the summer block busters (GI JOE 2).

Follow these rules and you probably won’t be disappointed (DISCLAIMER: I am NOT responsible for Prometheus-esque movie release dates). One last thing I’ll leave you with is this kind of advertisement. If you HAVE TO see a crappy movie like Gangster Squad because the person you’re dating is DYING to see it, watch it at a drive in or dine in. Movies seem to be a little better when you’re in a luxurious seat reclined having the waiter bring you another alcoholic beverage or with clothes being removed while Ryan Gosling is heating one or both of you up.

Cotorreando with Audiofonia (ERNIEandJESSE #150)

This Episode’s Topics Include

Stitcher
Entertainment ObSession
Bosses
Alarm Clocks
Relationships
Social Video
Spanglish
Venezuela

More Ways to Listen!

1. iTunes Music Store

2. Click “Audio MP3” Link Below to Listen

ERNIEandJESSE do the Harlem Shake

So we did it! We did the Harlem Shake. Check it out below…

Welcome to the Blog

Welcome to the first ever post of the blog of the podcast you’re desperately trying to get your friends to listen to. You are “desperately” trying right? Well, you’re at least “trying” right? Come on! We’re hilarious! I understand if you want to be a hipster and not tell anyone about the cool show you found, but look at it this way; now that we have a blog you can share our podcast with your friends and save reading these hilarious or inteligent posts for yourself! Why be greedy though? Share it with people, maybe they can’t listen at work but they can go online and read. We here at ERNIEandJESSE want to encourage people to live better lives, and nothing makes your life better than a smile…well maybe cash…or a cure for cancer…but of the things I’m willing to give out for free, NOTHING is better than a reason to smile. So if you haven’t smiled by the time you’re reading this line, you’ve obviously skipped ahead to the last sentence of a paragraph for some reason.

For this first outing on the blog we thought we’d ease you into it with some light reading. We also wanted to give you a look at things to come, because some of you are not reading this the day it was released. Some of you waited till you were bored on Friday when your boss wasn’t in the office anymore and you had time to goof off. Others found out about this way later and were just curious to see what the first one was like. Still others are like ERNIE and must read these kinds of things from the first edition so they didn’t “miss” anything. For all of you OCD people, read the second letter of every third sentence for a secret message.

Coming up on the ERNIEandJESSE blog you will be seeing links to videos  or news stories with ERNIE’s opinion, stories from ERNIE that won’t make the air (not because of quality I assure you), and videos or post from other members of the ERNIEandJESSE family. Most importantly you can see some of your own contributions to the show. Just send us a tweet, facebook message, or email the show with something you want us to cover and we’ll do it right here. Put enough effort into it and we’ll just copy and paste what you send us as a post with a few lines of commentary. Yup, we’re lazy like that.

Lastly, I want you all to know the reason we’re doing this is not just as an exercise ERNIE’s therapist may or may not have suggested, but also as a “Thanks” to you the fans for your loyalty and support…and honestly to dive enough traffic to the site to get some advertisers. So if you’re reading this late and you see an AD for a porn site or that place that sells class rings (we know the name, we just don’t want to get sued) then we’ve done our job. So THANK YOU from the bottom of our keyboard from the team at ERNIEandJESSE for your loyalty, support, spreading the word and reading this far down unless again, you’ve only read the ends of the paragraph.

Do the MoZaik Shake (ERNIEandJESSE #149)

This Episode’s Topics Include

Stitcher
Chris Dorner
Conspiracy Theories
Moving
Relationships
Harlem Shake
MoZaik Music Group
Pop Music

More Ways to Listen!

1. iTunes Music Store

2. Click “Audio MP3” Link Below to Listen