A “How To” Guide To Going To the Movies

So it’s award season! And as per usual the most important awards are left for last! That’s right, I’m talking about the Razzies. The awards for the worst movies of the year. Every year there are bad movies, but if you look at years past the Razzies went out to smaller movies with no advertising that everyone knew were crap. Lately, it seems that the awards are going to movies that I heard about for 4 months out of the year and had people constantly asking me, “You’re NOT going to see (insert terrible movie here)!?” Even worse is when it’s accompanied by an actor/actress I once liked and trusted to pick good roles, “But you LOVE Adam Sandler movies!” Thank God for the most part we can still trust the previews to tell us what’s good and what’s bad. Well…some of us can. So for the rest of you out there who still seem to be watching crappy movies, here are just a few simple rules to follow so you too can avoid wasting $13 it costs to see a movie these day:

1) DO NOT TRUST ANYTHING RELEASED IN JANUARY OR FEBRUARY!
Here’s the thing. The seasons of movies can be broken down into a few categories. There’s the Jan-Feb releases which will never be good enough to get an award. Why are there both a Stallone movie AND a Schwarzenegger movie in the same time frame? Because neither of them are up for awards. Now there is another time of year where a movie that is released is not likely to receive an award.

2) Summer is for movies, not films
That’s the Summer Block Buster time. May through about August are the times where all the big budget, possibly good, but more likely flashy movies come out. These generally won’t be the most well written, though movies like Inception come to mind, they will however be entertaining. If you see a Fast and the Furious sequel/prequel/offshoot coming out in a month that’s not in this time period, hit that NOZ and peel out of that theatre. This time of year is meant mostly for people wondering, “How many times can we change the camera angle in the middle of a close up fight scene when we have 14Mil to spend on it?”

3) And the Nominees are:
After Summer is over the movie companies feel that you don’t have as much time or disposable income to spend on movies, so they want to put out movies they think are intelligent and provocative in the hopes that someone will jack them off. They want that little golden statue or even nomination that says, “Well yeah I’m a (insert movie job here), but I’m more like Spielberg than McG. I honestly wish they gave out awards for “The closest to hit their target.” If you set out to make a crazy movie that everyone in the art community loves because they can’t talk shit about a movie where a soldier contracts aids from a secretly gay Muslim man who saves him from an IED that would have killed him because the government didn’t supply him with the right equipment (I need to copyright this) and you actually made that movie well, then yeah, get an award. And if you set out to make Fast and The Furious 13 Drifting through space and your target audience loved it, good on ya. More often than not though, the Soldier will get the award in this category.

4) The rest
The rest of the year is spent spitting out movies the studio has no hope for. You may find some gems here like Looper or Forgetting Sarah Marshall. The idea you should have here is, “There’s a reason the studio has no faith in this. However, Studios on average are stupid.” So watch at your own risk. The last, and possibly most important red flag in this tirade I’m going on because of movies is; If there was a delay, Stay the fuck away. Chant this mantra to yourself every time you were dying to see a movie that got held back because they want to put it into 3D (Clash of the Titians) or because it couldn’t compete with the summer block busters (GI JOE 2).

Follow these rules and you probably won’t be disappointed (DISCLAIMER: I am NOT responsible for Prometheus-esque movie release dates). One last thing I’ll leave you with is this kind of advertisement. If you HAVE TO see a crappy movie like Gangster Squad because the person you’re dating is DYING to see it, watch it at a drive in or dine in. Movies seem to be a little better when you’re in a luxurious seat reclined having the waiter bring you another alcoholic beverage or with clothes being removed while Ryan Gosling is heating one or both of you up.