Age Appropriate St. Patrick’s Day

When I was younger it seemed like St. Patrick’s Day was only an important holiday in the worst way. It was the day it was socially acceptable to hurt somebody. You walked around trying desperately to find someone without any green on just so you could hear them squeal. You would also find any way to defend yourself saying things like, “My underwear is green!!” Then you either had to have people trust you, show some proof or get pinched regardless of how valid your claim was. This was a simpler time and for some reason we look back on it with fondness.

Once you got older it was just another holiday that barely had a theme. A meaningless holiday that meant girls would coordinate their outfits and I guess you’d kinda try too. Hell, if a girl’s gonna give you a free sticker to wear all day why not? Especially if she was cute. There were a few decorations and occasionally someone took it too far with all out Irish gear when you had no idea of their heritage the rest of the year. It’s not that it matters to you, but if someone thinks shamrock shakes taste different, who are you to argue?

Then you get a little older than that and St. Patrick’s Day, is the best fucking day ever!!! Everyone’s going out drinking! Jameson, Baileys, Scotch…well maybe not scotch, but Irish Car bombs etc. What can make this better? It’s cold out but girls will still dress in the tightest, shortest, possibly sluttiest outfit they own that’s predominately green. What’s the green color frosting that makes that better you ask? They’re drunk and easy! It’s not like Halloween where you stare at a girl’s tits that are spilling out of her dress and get in trouble because, “You should have realized my BOYFRIEND was dressed as my PIMP!! Hello!!!” Nay, on St. Patty’s Day the girls who won’t sleep with you dress warmly and the girls that will are putting it on display. They’ll probably put them on the glass if you ask nicely. The only problem? Hangovers and work the next day, but if you’re a responsible adult you pack a condom and request a vacation day. it’s really the prime time for celebrating this holiday most people can’t remember the origin to. Valentine’s Day may be made up by Hallmark, but St. Patty’s day brought to you by Irish Car Bombs.