This week ERNIE was gone from the show because I asked him to go to my family’s wedding. I didn’t realize how bad they were until he quietly (as quietly as he can be I guess) pointed it out. There were tons of cowboy outfits with so many rhinestones it looked like someone was always using the flash on their phone. I didn’t think they were that bad…most of them at least. Ernie of course had to point out each giant belt buckle, pair of Jordans and lack of tie. I just HAD to prove to him that this was just our tradition. Even though it’s bad, it’s not as bad as it could have been.

Look, I understand wearing a suit. I know that ladies should wear dresses to a wedding. I don’t mind a bolo tie and a belt as long as their flannel shirt is tucked in. That’s the thing though, if you are going to wear something a bit more comfortable, there is a limit. The saddest part is the people with the untucked shirts weren’t family members, they were waiters. To be fair to the rest of the guys, that was the nicest outfit they owned. I have a lot of family from Texas and that’s what they are used to. I know it also depends on the wedding and family, well my family are Mexicans.

The ladies surprised me the most. I wondered how you were going to go to a formal event and wear sandals, thinking no one would notice. When you lifted your dress as you walked upstairs, we noticed. When you wore a white bra with a red dress that didn’t cover your straps, we noticed. And guys, when you wore white socks with your black dress shoes and black pants, we noticed…when you sat down. I understand not wanting to spend money, I didn’t, on nails and hair, but do SOMETHING with it. A ponytail and nails with chips aren’t the business.

It’s not that hard: A dress, nails done right and a hair appointment are all you need to look like you belong. And for you fellas, if you don’t won a suit, a T shirt won’t do. Own a suit, be an adult.

Oh where to begin? Jesse and Andrew did an acceptable job this week, but it killed me to not be there to correct them. Here are a few things I want to clear up about the 911 topic. Hopefully after reading this you will know the truth, but hopefully it will not deter you from calling 911 in the case of an ACTUAL emergency.

First let’s tackle Jesse’s idea that he wants to instagram his attack. He would not be able to pick an appropriate filter and hashtag before the ax-wielding maniac comes bursting through the door and into his skull. This is NOT an admission of guilt. If Jesse is killed by an ax, it wasn’t me! However, let’s say for argument’s sake that Jesse DID happen to get his instagram video off in time, hashtags and all. Now you have to hope one of his 800 followers (#HumbleBrag) will call 911. First, you have to deal with the bystander effect. Everyone who saw the video may think that they saw it much later than it was actually posted. They might also think that they were not the first one to see it and the person who DID see it first called. Now, let’s say that people did see it and they did want to get involved. Well, if Jesse was messing around this is now an FCC violation for inciting panic, which Instagram would not want to be responsible for. Then if you did have all 800 followers call (minus the bots), then you would crash the system or at least busy the lines.

911 sadly is not always a government RUN agency. There is a difference between a government RUN facility and a government REGULATED facility. 911, especially in big cities, is usually run by a business. The government pays them for a service and in turn taxes us for that service. Technically I guess we can say we do pay their salary, but it’s like saying you bought booze for a party when you actually gave the money to your older brother. Obviously because cash is changing hands so many times, and because the government is involved, the latest and greatest uses of technology is not being implemented. Sure, we could use GPS to get someone’s location, but what about someone like me who does not keep GPS enabled on their phone to save battery life. Sure, we could get video or a picture, but if you’re already complaining about how much an ambulance ride costs, why would they activate your data plan every time you call? Plus, it’s GPS, and anyone who’s turned on their phone while not on WiFi has seen that the GPS takes time to calibrate.

Speaking of ambulances, they are different from paramedics and they are not a government agency. The way an ambulance works is that whichever company is the closest gets the call. This is where a layer of controversy weighs in. If a company paid a government agency to get all the calls routed to them, that would be conspiracy, but if a private 911 center gets paid to see if a certain ambulance company is closer than another, is that illegal? These drivers are supposed to post up where they can and catch Zs on a 24 hour shift. Why do they do this? Think about your work day shift. How many people would you have to hire do cover 24 hours at 8 hours each plus lunches? Instead you can hire 6-9 people to cover that same time. As for their cost? It’s a private company that offers you a ride and offers medication. It’s like the worst in flight service ever. Think about a plane. Every time you turn down a drink or a pillow or complimentary peanuts, do they refund you a few cents? No, you play for the availability, and trust me, a some of those medications EMTs can give you cost quite a bit. This is where insurance kicks in. Now can you refuse the service? Yes, if you REALLY can, if you are conscious enough and are deemed of sound mind and body, but get serious, if an ambulance is called, are you really gonna be ok?

Paramedics, Fire Departments and Police are all indeed, government agencies paid by tax dollars. Paid year round, and you may never use them. Your taxes pay them like you pay your insurance…well, the world’s shittiest insurance. What your taxes pay for is really just the availability of these services. They will come out for free, cops more than most, but if you keep calling them, it will cost you. Your portion of taxes that go to these people do not cover the mount of fuel and water it takes that big ass vehicle to run red lights and save your cat. Speaking of water, that’s another thing you may have to pay for. The government can say, “OK, truck shows up free, you get pulled out free, we ax through your door free, but the water? That’ll cost you.” The amount of water spilled onto a car you know will burn is crazy, but we still have to do it, and someone has to pay for it.

But before you start bitching about how YOUR tax dollars pay for it all, try and remember: These services are paid for in property taxes. Don’t own property, you don’t pay. Don’t own property in that county, none of your tax money will pay, don’t live in that state on a regular. You definitely will not have one cent go to that water except for maybe a percentage of sales tax that you used to buy an Aquafina bottle.

Do I agree that this is the way emergency services should run? No, I really wish they were better controlled and their book keeping be better, but if you ever go inside an ambulance that hasn’t been retired, it is always less than 5 years old, has all the latest equipment and is very heavily regulated. As always, if you have a problem with this, follow the money. Look into where your taxes go. See who has a big paycheck to give the permit out to the guy who has the fastest truck who will maybe one day save your life.

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1. Send emails.

Don’t tell people that you want to talk to to email you. Chances are they won’t do it. Ask for a business card if you really want to get in touch with this person. If they ask for yours and don’t give you their info, they aren’t going to talk to you. Move on. Take your time to send impressive emails. Use complete sentences, hyperlinks to your content, and attachments as needed. The first email you send is your pitch. Don’t overwhelm someone, but give enough information and content that they can know exactly what you are about. If you have to give them 10 different youtube links to see all the different venues you’ve played at, compile a demo video which has clips from different ones. Send at least one good picture for reference. Don’t leave room for them to ask questions. Write such a compelling email that they have no choice but to follow up with you.

2. Follow People.

Follow people on social media. Your numbers won’t grow if you choose to follow nobody. Don’t be stingy. You don’t need to follow the world, but follow the people close to you. Follow the people you meet for the time being. If you can’t stand their feed after a week or so, go ahead and unfollow. You need to show a beginning interest though. You actually never know what gems you will find.

3. Take Pictures & Tag People.

Document everything. When you are at an event, make sure you are taking pictures with your fans. Take pictures with the random people you don’t know that were dancing on the floor. Take pictures with the DJ. Take pictures with the bartender. Take pictures on your phone and get people’s social media. Each person has a social media of choice albeit Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or the good old printed photo album at home. You can then tag these people later online and keep in contact with people who are potentially new fans.

4. Find places.

Find venues, events, locations. The House of Blues is not going to call you to play there. You need to do your research and find local events in your area that you can play at. There are plenty of places that do not charge you to play or do not require ticket sales. Community art walks are a good place to start. Look at where other bands or artists similar to your style have performed at or showcased.

This week’s local perspective has to do with getting around Los Angeles. If you are an entertainer or artist of any type living in Southern California you have myriad of opportunity at your fingertips, but this also poses some challenges. Here are some tips to getting around.

1. Get a car.

Whoever said driving is a privilege not a right, never lived in Los Angeles. Now, you don’t need a car to succeed, but we also don’t need our eye sight to live. There are lots of people without sight that live very fulfilling lives, but there are also federal handicap laws in place to help said persons. There is no law that says you have the right to get from Burbank to Downtown at the same time as everyone else. This needs to be on the list of equipment you make when you first decide to pursue an entertainment career in LA. DJ Equipment, Guitars, Paints, Canvas, Camera, Microphone, Car. Whatever your equipment list looks like, car is a necessary bullet point.

I do note that I was without a car for about 4 years of my career. I rode the Metro system like a surfer on a wave. Because of this, I learned to appreciate the value of a car not the Metro.

2. Know the freeway system.

My grandma doesn’t drive the freeways. My grandma never goes further than a 5 mile radius of her house. Chances are you need to drive further than 5 miles to get to a gig, audition, bar, club, school, event. It will behoove you to at least know the main arteries of Southern California freeways. Here’s a brief summary:

The 10. Santa Monica to the I.E. In East LA gets kind of confusing. West goes towards the beach, sunset and Universal Music, Viacom, and other fancy Santa Monica/West LA Startups. East takes you to the San Gabriel Valley. Some of your fans may live here.

 

The 60.Like the 10 but less or more crowded depending on day.

 

The 210. Like the 60 but closer to the mountains.

 

The 405. Hell paved over. Don’t drive between the hours of 7am – 10am & 3pm – 7pm. North will take you to the San Fernando Valley and south will take you to the Airport, South Bay, and Orange County.

 

The 101. Half hipster freeway, Half executive freeway. From Downtown LA to Hollywood will give you random exits that are actually little mazes to hipster hotspots. From Universal Studios to Calabasas, this is the freeway entertainment executives take to go from their corporate offices to their lavish homes.

 

The 5. The main artery of Southern California. 4 parts. North of Burbank is your escape route back to NorCal. Glendale to Downtown LA is the back road to hipsterville. East LA to Orange County: Construction Zone; Do Not Enter. South of Disneyland is your escape route to San Diego.

 

The 710 or 605. Take these instead of the 5 construction zone from Downtown to Orange County.

 

The 110. Southbound cuts through South Central. Northbound goes to Pasadena.

 

The 105. The freeway you take to the airport. Go west.

 

The 90. Not a real freeway, a shortcut to Venice.

 

The 170. Not a real freeway, a shortcut through North Hollywood.

 

The 134. Only necessary when you have a meeting with a radio station, or working on one of the following studio lots: Disney, Warner Brothers, or NBC/Universal.

 

The 15, 215, & 57. IE freeways. Take North to Vegas or South to San Diego

 

The 22. Gets you from one end of Garden Grove to the other end of Garden Grove.

 

The 2. A big fun freeway to speed on with great beautiful views but doesn’t actually go anywhere.

 

The 118. You will never take the 118.

 

The 14. If you have fans in Lancaster, go North once a year to visit them.

 

The 55, 73, 261, 241, 133, 73. Toll or toll-ish roads in Orange County. Don’t worry about these. Ever.

 

The 71. You think its a shortcut somewhere, but the freeway isn’t finished in Corona so it actually takes forever.

 

The 91. At least twice a year for some reason or another you will need to visit Riverside, take this freeway East to get there. That is all.

 

The 1. I count Pacific Coast Highway as a freeway. Whenever you are stressing driving the most, take PCH. You will not get anywhere in time, but you’ll have a blast contemplating life as you bask in the sunset.

3. Download SigAlert app.

I know most smartphone maps give you traffic readings, but this is the system that most news companies rely on for traffic information. It will give you detailed information regarding accidents and closures and not just a red or green line.

4. Know where your closest friends and fans live.

Once you get to West LA, your meeting or audition may only take 10 minutes. Then what do you do? Get back on the road and spend another 2 hours trekking back where you came from? No. You hang out with friends in the area. Your plea on Facebook may not be answered in enough time to beat the lunch crowd to the local eatery, so know who lives in what areas ahead of time and make plans to meet them when you go to that area for business. This also helps when you have an event in a particular city. As opposed to just spamming out a Facebook invite no one will read. You can personally message or text the people you know live around the area to come out and support you.

5. Have a good excuse.

You will be late one day. No one takes traffic as a viable excuse in Los Angeles. Even if there was a 4 car pileup on each freeway and every exit was closed due to construction. This is still not an excuse. Use your time stuck in traffic to think of great excuses. Have at least one good one that you use that you know will at least give some sort of insight in to your humor or your brand. If you are in an emo rock band you could say you got caught up in your own self dispair and were actually about to down an entire bottle of (pick your alcohol, drug, or medicine of choice) but I decided life was worth living and I eventually hit the road to get here, but obviously I was already late because of that. Or if you are a hipster you could say that you were on the road but passed a protest for (pick your favorite Occupy movement) and felt so moved by the cause you had to stop and donate money or time. Traffic is not an excuse, have a good one.