When I was younger it seemed like St. Patrick’s Day was only an important holiday in the worst way. It was the day it was socially acceptable to hurt somebody. You walked around trying desperately to find someone without any green on just so you could hear them squeal. You would also find any way to defend yourself saying things like, “My underwear is green!!” Then you either had to have people trust you, show some proof or get pinched regardless of how valid your claim was. This was a simpler time and for some reason we look back on it with fondness.

Once you got older it was just another holiday that barely had a theme. A meaningless holiday that meant girls would coordinate their outfits and I guess you’d kinda try too. Hell, if a girl’s gonna give you a free sticker to wear all day why not? Especially if she was cute. There were a few decorations and occasionally someone took it too far with all out Irish gear when you had no idea of their heritage the rest of the year. It’s not that it matters to you, but if someone thinks shamrock shakes taste different, who are you to argue?

Then you get a little older than that and St. Patrick’s Day, is the best fucking day ever!!! Everyone’s going out drinking! Jameson, Baileys, Scotch…well maybe not scotch, but Irish Car bombs etc. What can make this better? It’s cold out but girls will still dress in the tightest, shortest, possibly sluttiest outfit they own that’s predominately green. What’s the green color frosting that makes that better you ask? They’re drunk and easy! It’s not like Halloween where you stare at a girl’s tits that are spilling out of her dress and get in trouble because, “You should have realized my BOYFRIEND was dressed as my PIMP!! Hello!!!” Nay, on St. Patty’s Day the girls who won’t sleep with you dress warmly and the girls that will are putting it on display. They’ll probably put them on the glass if you ask nicely. The only problem? Hangovers and work the next day, but if you’re a responsible adult you pack a condom and request a vacation day. it’s really the prime time for celebrating this holiday most people can’t remember the origin to. Valentine’s Day may be made up by Hallmark, but St. Patty’s day brought to you by Irish Car Bombs.

My toes are ugly. I never really thought this to be too much of an issue. Sure, I’m diabetic and my extremities are the first to go, especially my feet, when it comes to amputation, but still. I tried for a long time to keep them trim, but as I got older and fatter it became more and more difficult to reach. Now they’re all discolored and gross. I should probably see a doctor about them instead of just trying to fix it myself.

I learned on some website long ago that if you cover your toes with Vicks they will heal. No, I don’t just think this because I’m Mexican, I really did hear it somewhere. The theory is that either the eucalyptus heals or the petroleum jelly cuts off the air supply. Either way I’m telling you, it works! I did it for a while and I was able to get my toes to a decent condition. I just wanted them healed enough to where I wouldn’t get embarrassed when I went to get a pedicure.

There’s a stigma that’s hard to overcome with pedicures and manicures that it’s feminine. I don’t get my nails painted or my legs waxed, though there’s nothing wrong with that, I just get a cut. It’s like going to a barber shop instead I don’t give ANY instructions. It feels great afterward too if you go to a place that massages your feet too or clears up any calluses. Once I started getting my nails done every other week, they started looking healthy AND the pain I had from an ingrown toenail was gone. Then, I stopped making the time.

I got a girlfriend and it’s not her fault, but I was spending all my time with her instead of choosing to either take some time out to get this done (like a hair cut) or take her with me (like I should have done really). Though, it’s like I said, there’ s a stigma to getting your nails done. Really the person it benefits the most though? HER! I realized the other day while trying to get them back to their faded glory that I cannot have sex with my girlfriend in reverse cowgirl. I basically have two options; 1) Wear socks while we have sex and no one wants that. I’m not a fan, but for some girls it’s a hell NO. 2) Have my gross toes in her line of sight when she’s riding the bull. I can’t do that to her. Hell, I can’t do that to ME! It’s too embarrassing. So for now, we’ll stick to more traditional positions and I’ll be puttin on the Vicks, for her, and for me.

“You were right.” They’re three simple words but I absolutely love them. It’s not that I take joy in other people’s pain. I am just an intelligent guy who is observant. I was recently walking with my girlfriend and her brother. I knew three people take up a lot of space on a path and saw a man to the left of us struggling to teach his daughter to ride her first bike. To our right was a woman with the determined face you only see on a jogger or someone taking a dumb who doesn’t get enough fiber (No, I don’t know why you’re watching someone shit. YOU’RE the weirdo, not me!!). The woman was going fastest, we were at a normal walking pace and the man was holding the bike while his daughter struggled with the concept of balance. I knew how long it would take for all of our paths to cross and that it would all be at the same time. If the man was 4′ back I could have easily had the group take a step to the left to clear the jogger and a right to clear the man, but as it was, we were going to crash. The next thing I noticed was my girlfriend’s brother was just barely ahead of me. So I grabbed his jacket and put him in front of me like a human shield while we passed them all. My gf’s brother was shocked and confused that I grabbed him until I explained why. Then he was just impressed that I did it.

That’s just the most recent story. The most common story for me is when I tell a female friend of mine, “No, that guy isn’t just being cool! He wants to bone you.” In this case I often get a “You were right about that guy!” or a “How did you know!?” It’s all about trajectory. Hopefully most people can see the pattern on where things are going to go and adjust accordingly. Now I grant you, there are situations where that runner could have decided she was tired, or the guy could have seen he was in the way and gotten off the path, or that male friend…nah, that guy always wants to plow the girl, BUT STILL, the point remains, trajectory.

I think the joy I get from hearing those words comes from the fact that I feel I am smart, and just like a girl who is pretty, I never get tired of hearing that I am. There is a slight distinction though; if I hear, “You’re really smart.” I feel self conscious and awkward. It’s a compliment I’m not used to. I do however love to hear, “You were right.” in EVERY form. Whether it’s something I said on the show that people agree with, someone saying it in anger or someone saying it as thanks. It’s a phrase that’s great to hear and often hard for people to say. People think it reflects negatively on them to say I was right, but the truth is, as long as you listen to me next time, you have nothing to feel bad about.

Spoiler alert! If you haven’t watched this season of The Walking Dead you either don’t watch the show or your assed out because I’m going to make some slight references. See I always had a zombie apocalypse plan. Several actually! I have different scenarios depending on how the disease is spread or certain possible limitations. Where the disease comes from, can they run, is it airborne etc. Recently however The Walking Dead has introduced an idea that I had not previously thought about. What happens when someone else is as good of a leader as I am? Oh, you didn’t realize MY zombie apocalypse plan involved ME leading? Well, duh!

See the way it breaks down is like this; I have one friend who’s very military minded and somewhat of a survivalist. He will lead our group, no questions asked, until we are settled. Once settled we will switch and I lead the group, he will just be in charge of the military. This may seem a little different than most plans, but I know I’m not a great strategist and he knows he cannot handle the moral upbringing of a society and judgment on who stays and who goes. The idea is that once we have a secure location, enough food, water and shelter we can begin to rebuild. Basically if you’re following the show, he would be in charge in Rick’s case and I would be in charge in Woodbury.
When you have a safe society you can start doing things to give people a sense of normalcy and home just like the governor did with having festivities. However, if you have a military minded person their festivities would be training exercises. Also there would be a very harsh attitude that people may rebel against. When you give people order and a loose set of rules to govern themselves by you get an easier society for the most part. Any newcomers into that society would have to conform to those rules and live amongst those people. In my specific plan, those people are brought to me where I talk to them until I have determined that they would be good for our community and join us or they will be sent walking…possibly killed.

The new idea sparked now is what happens when someone else has that same policy? Do I meet with their leader? Should an entire group be judged on their mouthpiece? I couldn’t possibly let some in and not others. I would have revolt on my hands. I don’t want to start a war and reject a whole group of people, but if they can’t come in… I would also be afraid of these people knowing where we live and having the ability to take what’s ours. I also would want to share what’s theirs. I could try to cohabitate, but I would be worried and wonder if they were plotting against me. I would also wonder if the nice attitude was all an act. I guess this is one of those things I’ll have to figure out when/if I get there, but hopefully the story will end well for me.

It’s raining as I write this. I was driving to the store to pick up a few things and I saw a woman with a stroller. She had a thick fleece blanket over the stroller to cover the child from the rain but was walking around with her head uncovered. I took pity on this woman. I was driving my mom’s car with a car seat in it and thought to myself, “It might be weird, she might say no, but I should be a good person and offer her a ride to help shield her from the rain. As I got closer I noticed that she did indeed have a jacket with a hood. This puzzled me for a second, until I realized the reason she wasn’t wearing the hood. She had just gotted her hur did, she didn’t want no hood covering those newly pressed bangs.

I got a little saddened by this and walked into the store. I was just picking up the cheapest loaf of bread I could get. As I walked up to the door a guy was walking along the curb towards the store too. He seemed angry as he threw a shopping cart to the side and hacked some mucus onto the sidewalk uncomfortably close to me. He spoke to me, “Yo man, you got some chain?” People like this are the reason that even if I’m not listening to anything. I will still wear my headphones, so I always have the excuse that I didn’t hear them.

Finally I went inside to get some bread and I got in line behind a family with GIANT shopping cart full of food. There was only one customer but only one line so I’m stuck in the only possible position I can find. Secretly judging their purchases. Buying prepackaged chicken strips, dinners and a couple bottles of soda along with a bunch of other crap and nary a veggie in sight doesn’t bother me. What does bother me is as the cashier is almost done with the order the question is asked, “Y’all take EBT righ?” I still wish certain foods were unavailable on EBT. We care so much about the “obesity epidemic” and restaurants offering people “healthy options” but when it comes to being able to limit a person’s choices to only the healthy stuff, that’s a step too far. Thankfully just as I had an ass full of the world a manager saw me waiting in line and opened up another register to take my 99cents for some bread. So thanks Estevan, for opening up and getting me out of there.