So it’s award season! And as per usual the most important awards are left for last! That’s right, I’m talking about the Razzies. The awards for the worst movies of the year. Every year there are bad movies, but if you look at years past the Razzies went out to smaller movies with no advertising that everyone knew were crap. Lately, it seems that the awards are going to movies that I heard about for 4 months out of the year and had people constantly asking me, “You’re NOT going to see (insert terrible movie here)!?” Even worse is when it’s accompanied by an actor/actress I once liked and trusted to pick good roles, “But you LOVE Adam Sandler movies!” Thank God for the most part we can still trust the previews to tell us what’s good and what’s bad. Well…some of us can. So for the rest of you out there who still seem to be watching crappy movies, here are just a few simple rules to follow so you too can avoid wasting $13 it costs to see a movie these day:

1) DO NOT TRUST ANYTHING RELEASED IN JANUARY OR FEBRUARY!
Here’s the thing. The seasons of movies can be broken down into a few categories. There’s the Jan-Feb releases which will never be good enough to get an award. Why are there both a Stallone movie AND a Schwarzenegger movie in the same time frame? Because neither of them are up for awards. Now there is another time of year where a movie that is released is not likely to receive an award.

2) Summer is for movies, not films
That’s the Summer Block Buster time. May through about August are the times where all the big budget, possibly good, but more likely flashy movies come out. These generally won’t be the most well written, though movies like Inception come to mind, they will however be entertaining. If you see a Fast and the Furious sequel/prequel/offshoot coming out in a month that’s not in this time period, hit that NOZ and peel out of that theatre. This time of year is meant mostly for people wondering, “How many times can we change the camera angle in the middle of a close up fight scene when we have 14Mil to spend on it?”

3) And the Nominees are:
After Summer is over the movie companies feel that you don’t have as much time or disposable income to spend on movies, so they want to put out movies they think are intelligent and provocative in the hopes that someone will jack them off. They want that little golden statue or even nomination that says, “Well yeah I’m a (insert movie job here), but I’m more like Spielberg than McG. I honestly wish they gave out awards for “The closest to hit their target.” If you set out to make a crazy movie that everyone in the art community loves because they can’t talk shit about a movie where a soldier contracts aids from a secretly gay Muslim man who saves him from an IED that would have killed him because the government didn’t supply him with the right equipment (I need to copyright this) and you actually made that movie well, then yeah, get an award. And if you set out to make Fast and The Furious 13 Drifting through space and your target audience loved it, good on ya. More often than not though, the Soldier will get the award in this category.

4) The rest
The rest of the year is spent spitting out movies the studio has no hope for. You may find some gems here like Looper or Forgetting Sarah Marshall. The idea you should have here is, “There’s a reason the studio has no faith in this. However, Studios on average are stupid.” So watch at your own risk. The last, and possibly most important red flag in this tirade I’m going on because of movies is; If there was a delay, Stay the fuck away. Chant this mantra to yourself every time you were dying to see a movie that got held back because they want to put it into 3D (Clash of the Titians) or because it couldn’t compete with the summer block busters (GI JOE 2).

Follow these rules and you probably won’t be disappointed (DISCLAIMER: I am NOT responsible for Prometheus-esque movie release dates). One last thing I’ll leave you with is this kind of advertisement. If you HAVE TO see a crappy movie like Gangster Squad because the person you’re dating is DYING to see it, watch it at a drive in or dine in. Movies seem to be a little better when you’re in a luxurious seat reclined having the waiter bring you another alcoholic beverage or with clothes being removed while Ryan Gosling is heating one or both of you up.

So we did it! We did the Harlem Shake. Check it out below…

Welcome to the first ever post of the blog of the podcast you’re desperately trying to get your friends to listen to. You are “desperately” trying right? Well, you’re at least “trying” right? Come on! We’re hilarious! I understand if you want to be a hipster and not tell anyone about the cool show you found, but look at it this way; now that we have a blog you can share our podcast with your friends and save reading these hilarious or inteligent posts for yourself! Why be greedy though? Share it with people, maybe they can’t listen at work but they can go online and read. We here at ERNIEandJESSE want to encourage people to live better lives, and nothing makes your life better than a smile…well maybe cash…or a cure for cancer…but of the things I’m willing to give out for free, NOTHING is better than a reason to smile. So if you haven’t smiled by the time you’re reading this line, you’ve obviously skipped ahead to the last sentence of a paragraph for some reason.

For this first outing on the blog we thought we’d ease you into it with some light reading. We also wanted to give you a look at things to come, because some of you are not reading this the day it was released. Some of you waited till you were bored on Friday when your boss wasn’t in the office anymore and you had time to goof off. Others found out about this way later and were just curious to see what the first one was like. Still others are like ERNIE and must read these kinds of things from the first edition so they didn’t “miss” anything. For all of you OCD people, read the second letter of every third sentence for a secret message.

Coming up on the ERNIEandJESSE blog you will be seeing links to videos  or news stories with ERNIE’s opinion, stories from ERNIE that won’t make the air (not because of quality I assure you), and videos or post from other members of the ERNIEandJESSE family. Most importantly you can see some of your own contributions to the show. Just send us a tweet, facebook message, or email the show with something you want us to cover and we’ll do it right here. Put enough effort into it and we’ll just copy and paste what you send us as a post with a few lines of commentary. Yup, we’re lazy like that.

Lastly, I want you all to know the reason we’re doing this is not just as an exercise ERNIE’s therapist may or may not have suggested, but also as a “Thanks” to you the fans for your loyalty and support…and honestly to dive enough traffic to the site to get some advertisers. So if you’re reading this late and you see an AD for a porn site or that place that sells class rings (we know the name, we just don’t want to get sued) then we’ve done our job. So THANK YOU from the bottom of our keyboard from the team at ERNIEandJESSE for your loyalty, support, spreading the word and reading this far down unless again, you’ve only read the ends of the paragraph.